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[personal profile] cayliana
This was about a year after this particular friend had moved out of state, so we had no contact outside of IM.

Anyway, I had been talking every so often about cases that I'd found where people had been mistreated by public service workers that they should have been able to trust, and it culminated in the two of us getting into a capslock screaming fight back and forth, with neither of us willing to back down.

The thing is, I don't think things would have gotten that bad at all during high-school. During the time he knew me, I was extremely withdrawn and unwilling to admit that there was any chance that I may have problems connecting with people outside my immediate family emotionally, and it still feels like that the only reason he supposedly respected me at that time was because I was unwilling to let anyone in to see me beyond this. Apparently, as I learned in an informal English class assignment to give a short speech about the person the student speaking respected the most in the class, he mistook (whether deliberately or otherwise) my forced relationship celibacy as being uncommonly self-confident and self-assured.

After high school, when I had finally accepted and admitted multiple things about myself that were part of but not the entire reason behind my stunted ability to connect with others and had actually gained the self-confidence to speak up that he claimed to have seen during high school, we started talking over instant messenger. It started out slowly enough, just talking about music, movies, and so on. However, when I started paying attention to things that were going on around me and outside of my comfortable and mostly privileged rock, I found I couldn't keep silent about the things I was learning about the world and my newfound outrage that the things I had expected the world to share with me values-wise simply weren't. As time went on, and I learned more and more, my relationship with this friend slowly but surely started souring.

It started with them shutting me down if I dared to talk about something they did not want to think about because it would force them to admit that their childhood and life were not pinnacle of the Horrible Childhoods and/or Oppressed Lives. This was slow, and honestly, I would back off every time they told me to stop talking, because I still valued my friendship with them simply because they were one of the few people I still spoke to from high school.

When this whole situation came to a head, however, I believe both of us had mutually blocked each other afterword. I have not spoken to this former friend for nearly two years now, and considering the comments made, that I was only pretending to care about situations that I was coming to learn could very easily happen to me, because they refused to believe that there was the chance of them ever occuring to me, or that perhaps my situation during the time they knew me was not as emotionally stable as they thought it was.

I regret that I now have continued contact with barely five people I knew from high school, some from middle and elementary school. I do not, however, regret that I removed this person from the small group of people I consider friends. The lack of trust I had towards them, and the stunning lack of real respect they had for me, still surprises me today.

March 2011

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